Global Warming Becomes Literally Un-bear-able

National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration scientists have concluded that by the year 2050, summer sea ice off of Alaska will have diminished by 40% compared to the 1980’s. This loss has the potential to drastically impact the habitats of polar bears and their main prey, ringed seals.

Lobbying Congress on behalf of the outraged polar bears is Kassie Siegel of the Center for Biological Diversity or CBD.

“It’s absolutely horrifying from the polar bear perspective.”
“They’re going to drown, they’re going to starve, they’re going to resort to cannibalism, they’re going to become extinct.”

So what can be done to prevent these senseless killings? According to CBD, almost anything that contributes to “global warming” should be stopped: burning fossil fuels, shipping goods near the Arctic, driving cars, or breathing (carbon dioxide emission).

But these precautions are completely unnecessary. If Hollywood has taught us anything, it is how to control cannibals. We should place restraint muzzles on all polar bears and lock them in maximum security prisons. That way there is no way they can do harm to other innocent polar bears. Now that the polar bear issue is solved, what’s next?